The little things
So, when you've been as fucked in the head as I've been lately, people often say it's best to concentrate on the little things and find positives. This is kind of a pathetic attempt, but:

The other night I had pancakes. I made them from (kind of) scratch and they tasted divine, along with a big glass of milk; and

Today, I fell asleep on the couch. It was only for an hour and a half, but since sleep has evaded me for the past three days (or when I did sleep, I was wracked with nightmares), this particular hour and a half of sleep was wonderful and although I woke to my dog scratching to go out, I felt somewhat refreshed.

Those two moments are the happiest I've been in a month. That's terrible, I know. But hey, at least I'm trying.

Nothing is making me laugh much right now. Nothing is motivating me. There have been no real good distractions to speak of. I feel like I've completely lost the essence of myself.

Man ... I am not happy lately. Not happy at all.

That's all I can really write right now.

Slightly better, but still not marked improvement
So unemployment paid me some of the money I'm owed, which is a good sign, but it's very late and it's not even half of what I should have, so bills are still going to be extremely dicey. But at least it's a bit of a "whew" moment.

I also did dishes and took a bath and picked up a little bit around the apartment. So I'm at least trying to get a handle on my depression and laziness. I applied to some more jobs, but haven't heard anything from anyone about any of them yet. Another week of nothing ... it's really frustrating.

I've also been stood up a bit in important phone calls and supposed dinner with friends, so none of that happened this week either. I've been kind of indoors a lot. Sucks, but I can't really do anything.

I am leaving the house tonight to bartend at the theater for a late shift. Hopefully I can make some scratch -- unlike the last two times out ... sheesh! And I'm spending Super Bowl Sunday with Mir's parents.

Tomorrow, I think I'm gonna get a bottle of cheap wine and relax until Mir gets home and I can chat with her on Skype. I did that the other day and it was fun.

So yeah, not much to report.

Still nothing...
Twas hoping that the new day would bring some better news. But alas. No new jobs, though I did apply to some others. No word back about the multitude of jobs I applied for or had interviews with. No word about unemployment. I did call and leave a message for the adjudicator.

Got some less than wanted news about my taxes. Also still haven't received all the necessary documents I need, so that's still in a holding pattern.

Also worried that I'm re-developing my ulcer. Timing couldn't be worse for that. It was bad last night, but has subsided a bit today.

Money that Mir sent me did clear my account last night though, so I can go get some food today. It has been about 36 ... 37 hours since I've eaten? I'm pretty weak. Mir also sent me more to cover rent if I need it, since this obviously isn't getting fixed any time soon. I didn't expect her to do that, but she did. I feel awful, but I love her so much.

Why can't things turn around for me? What do I have to do?

Sorry this post isn't much better ... I really wish I had some good news to report.

Oh well, I can see this once a day posting thing is going to get depressing. But still, I promised myself I would.

Maybe when I eat later, I'll feel better.

EDIT: Oh yeah, and there was the scam artist that called me last night that got my interest all peaked saying he got my resume and had a potential fit for a job ... only to have him seconds later try and get me to invest in some scheme thing and give up my bank info ... I cussed him out and threw my phone.

A day of non-movement
I'm going to try and post once a day from now on ... just to keep a running account of my ever-increasing insanity. That way, when authorities need proof of my inner demons, they have it.

I'm just kidding, well ... kind of.

Today kind of sucked. No word on any jobs I applied to. No word from unemployment, and when I went over to Mir's parents' house to fax my weekly "please help me" document (my unemployment claim), the ONE fax machine at the unemployment headquarters was busy for about an hour. So I gave up and mailed it instead.

Still have no money. I am waiting for a PayPal thing to clear and get some food. But Mir's dad took me to get some dog food today so Sparky can eat. He has gotten really skinny over the past few weeks and the harness he wears looks ridiculously big on him. I feel like I've lost a bit of weight as well.

So anyway, came home and applied to a few more jobs -- nothing exciting. Then took a nap. Now waiting for the one good thing I look forward to; talking to my sweet Mir on Skype.

That's it ... hoping tomorrow is better (man, I've been saying that for awhile, haven't I?).

Oh those job-huntin blues
So, yeah ... it's been a bit.

Back from London and fun and seeing the love of my life and now it's back to the real world. Actually, I've been living in the real world for a few weeks now since coming back. So let's update a bit:

-- I am 99 percent over the flu I picked up on the way to London. It has been a nasty little bug. All I have left is the occasional chest cough. But aside from that, I'm healthy again.

--Had a lot of movement in the past week or so with jobs. Three interviews, two with top companies and one for a mortgage insurance firm as an admin assistant. There also seems to be more jobs out there now, so it's picking up a bit. That said, this whole process has still been frustrating as all hell. Two scheduled interviews have bumped and while I've had followup on one (making it to next level), the other one has been quiet. But today is a holiday after all, so I'm not too worried yet. It's just been a lot of work ... to find, work.

--Good news/bad news on the unemployment front. I screwed up by forgetting to declare my meager earnings at my one-day-a-week job at the theater and it really got me in trouble. But the good news is I have an extension. The bad news: I've had to jump through every hoop known to man to get an extension and it's still not guaranteed. Because of my screw-up, I now have an investigation and an adjudication process to go through before i start receiving payments again. So right now, I am so broke I make homeless people look like high rollers. I have not been eating much at all and have had to rely on Mir's parents to help pay a bill that was so late, it would have resulted in me losing something I really need: my vehicle. So all I can do right now is fill out all the paperwork, cooperate and hope that things work out ... or that I get a good-paying job soon (or both, please).

--Partly because of lack of finances, but also largely because of how busy I've been during this whole process of job hunting and hoop-jumping, I haven't been out much. I managed to catch Cory and Angie's joint birthday party, which was loads of fun with bowling and drinking ... that is until later in the evening, I accidentally ate almonds and had to be tended to. Thanks to Sam and others for looking out for me. I also caught a few playoff games with Mir's parents, Regan and Raye. But aside from that, I've been pretty much indoors.

--Lessee, what else? Oh yeah, it snowed again, but this time it only trapped my in my apt. for one day as it melted pretty quickly; I've caught a few TV shows, including the new season of "You're Cut Off." I'm such a sucker for trash-TV; I reconnected with a few friends I haven't talked to in a bit; and that's about it.

Mir is traveling throughout the UK with Christine and Cory. I'm envious ... wish I was still there. But so delighted they're all having a good time. Though I miss my addiction of talking to Mir on Skype.

Today, after a handful of deflating moments in the job/security hunt over the past few days, a tad bit of depression has caught up to me. I have been sleeping way too much lately too. I think I just need to try and stay positive, but it can be hard sometimes when you're in a situation like mine. Overall though, I'm happy ... just exhausted.

Some London photos: (for Jaden)

London, love, sickness and worry

Lot's to talk about ... especially since I haven't updated in awhile. I will try and be as succinct as possible.

So let me start with the basics: I just got back from London where I visited my love. We are now officially engaged, I having proposed to her in Trafalgar Square in London. I rang in my first New Year in a foreign nation. I'm back home now, missing my love and battling with sickness and worry about my stability and the job hunt.

So to recap a bit, Mir bought me a plane ticket and hotel to come see her in London from Dec. 27 through Jan. 4. I was excited as this would be my first trip outside North America ... (I know, 35-years old and I hadn't made it out yet -- shows you what life can deal you sometimes).

After worries about the weather and travel delays, I leave on the 27th with no problems. Plane from Seattle to Charlotte and then plane from Charlotte to London. On the latter plane, it seemed everyone around me was sick and I soon realized I would probably get sick too, but I didn't care, I was too excited to see Mir. I land in London and go through border control ... and there's a problem. I get the woman who seriously looks AND acts like Ann Robinson from Weakest Link. She doesn't want to let me in the country. She doesn't like that I'm unemployed. Doesn't buy my story about seeing my girlfriend ... thinks I'm up to something. So I have to go wait in a cage while she calls Mir to verify my story. She grills Mir on the phone -- she's at the airport to pick me up, but border lady doesn't believe her. Finally after Mir saying that I was here to likely propose to her, border lady comes back and lets me pass, though with another "I don't really buy your story," and a stern warning that I'd better not get in any trouble. Yikes. Thankfully Mir and I were already "engaged" before and had talked about this or else A) I might not have gotten into England or B) any surprise plans for a proposal would be ruined.

Nevertheless, I make it in and I reunite with Mir and have that typical "lovers in love airport moment." Then we hop a train to London, see a tiny bit of the city, get my Oyster card and head to the hotel to check in. The Holiday Inn wasn't in the best of locations for things to do nearby, but it had an awesome room and even more awesome and friendly staff. Mir and I grabbed some food in Greenwich and then later grabbed wine and went to an Italian restaurant near the hotel for dinner before calling it a night.

Day Two of my trip saw us go into the city and explore a bit after a quick stop in New Cross and Mir’s dorm. Got to see Big Ben and the London Eye, Parliament and the Thames before making our way inward a bit to Trafalgar Square. It was here where I had planned on asking Mir properly to marry me (she had thought I was going to do it at the London Eye, haha). We got there and there was a bunch of construction and the fountains weren't on, but it was still beautiful, so after looking for a bit for a trustworthy face to take our pictures, we found a family. After the first pic, I got down on my knee and proposed. It actually did seem to catch Mir by surprise. Of course, she said yes.

After playing with her new ring a bit, Mir decided we should head to Camden to drink, possibly meet up with her friends and celebrate. We wound up having drinks at a couple of cool Camden pubs, then James got back to us. He invited us to his place for a bit where we hung out and chatted. Then, he took us to a pub he likes and he bought us a bottle of sparkling wine to celebrate. I really liked James. Good guy, very laid back and cool. Afterward, we had a few more drinks at a really cool little jazzy bar and people watched. Then we raced back to the hotel (well, as fast as the tubes could take us) as I really had to pee. When we were in the lobby and I was just about to burst, a movie on the TV was on and the character happened to say, “In two minutes, we’ll all be under water,” to which Mir just found hilarious … ok, I did too, but not right THEN.

Day three saw us back in New Cross to update statuses and such on FB and hang out for awhile. After finding some really awesome sushi just around the corner from Mir’s dorm, we retired there and watched some tele. We had plans to go back to Camden and meet up with Charlotte later that night. On the way to catch the tube in Camden, Mir saw the guy who robbed her recently and tensed up a bit. She told me after he passed us and I really wanted to go back and confront him, but she wouldn’t let me … you know, that whole getting into trouble while I’m over there thing. But it was definitely weird.

Later in Camden, we met up with Charlotte and hit up a couple of pubs. Charlotte is a lot of fun to hang out with … funny, not shy about anything, good-natured. We had great conversation throughout the night and I’m really glad I got to meet her. She’s a sweetheart. After many beers, it was time to depart and this time it was Mir who had to pee badly on the return trip. I did my best not to take advantage of the situation and tease her … I was good.

Day four was New Year’s Eve and the two of us, despite being sick by this point, decided not to let that slow us down, so we hit the town running. We went to Angel first for lunch and a bit of sight-seeing. Then we hit up Oxford Circus and Piccadilly Circus before moving to Leicester Square where we caught a bite to eat, a drink and hit up a movie (Burke and Hare … cute Simon Pegg flick).

After the movie, we gradually made our way toward the firework viewing area along Embankment. It was a lot of twists and turns and we still had hours to kill before New Year’s. But we wanted to make sure we got there as signs all around noted that once the area was full, they were going to close it off. Near the entrance, we noticed everyone was dropping their alcohol in the streets – glass bottles were not allowed. So I asked a cop if we could bring in alcohol mixed in plastic bottles and beer cans (to which Mir was slightly petrified in me asking an officer of the law this question, lol). The cop was very nice and said yes, that’s what everyone else was doing. So we raided a Tesco (along with hundreds of other people) and found beer, whiskey and diet cokes. We were set.

Once inside the viewing area, we kept repositioning to get the best spot we could and taking turns hitting the port-o-potties (as we were, you know, drinking). Finally, as the area filled up, we had staked out a pretty good area and people watched until midnight rolled around. The fireworks from the London Eye were awesome and I got a lot of god photos. I also got to kiss my fiancé at midnight.

Of course, once the festivities died down, getting back was a challenge. We had to walk quite a bit back to St. Paul’s Cathedral, where I was delighted to see the steps adorned with drunken revelers. It really hit my funny bone. We finally made it back onto the tube (after some challenges) and back to the hotel, where we continued with a bottle of wine.

Day five was the do-little-to-nothing-day. The flu had affected both of us by this point and being out in the cold all day and drinking probably didn’t help. We eventually made our way to New Cross and Mir’s dorm. We stopped by Sainsbury’s to get food to make (grocery stores in London are interesting). We ate and lazed about her dorm before heading back to the hotel to laze about some more.

Day six we went back to New Cross for a minute, then hit up a bus to Greenwich to eat and check out the National Maritime Museum. The museum was something I had really wanted to see while I was there. But like many things you get overly-excited about, it turned out to be a bit of a letdown. Oh, there were some neat things in there, for sure, but I was expecting a lot more. Probably the neatest thing was looking at the bloodied uniform of Lord Nelson from when he died. That and maps of how the Thames has changed over the years. The rest was mostly toy models of ships and relics from other nautical voyages. The San Francisco museum puts the London one to shame.

Yet, despite the slight letdown, a mini-pub crawl in New Cross lifted me up later. Mir showed me two of the pubs she frequents – Abersham Arms and the Royal Albert. The Albert is nice, cozy and we played Battleships while having wine. It was nice. But the people watching and general atmosphere I think suited me better at Abersham. It was a great, friendly place to watch people and have a drink. I quite liked it. Would have liked to hit a few more, but Mir and I both were under the weather. So instead, we headed back to the hotel to snuggle.

Day seven was a bit solemn as we both knew I was leaving the next day. But Mir wanted to show me the Tower Bridge and Tower of London. So we went into town. The Tower of London is much smaller than I imagined. But the Tower Bridge is magnificent and there’s great views from it. We poked around for a place to eat and settled on a restaurant along the Thames called All Bar One. It turns out, as I looked it up later, that it’s a chain. But damn if they didn’t have some of the best food I’ve eaten. We ordered an ok appetizer with lamb meat and eggplant, but my meal of shrimp and linguine was simply to die for. It was the perfect blend of spice and red crème sauce – almost Asian in flair. It was soooo tasty. Mir got fish cakes that were scrumptious too, but she couldn’t taste it very well being sick. Poor thing.

We returned to the hotel to get in appropriate snuggle time before the sun set on my time there.

Day eight was goodbye and a horrid travel day. Despite working out an awesome plan to get me back to Gatwick Airport, transport for the day didn’t want to comply. Both trains at our station were shut down due to failures, meaning we couldn’t get into the city to transfer to Gatwick. So we had to walk and find a mini-cab company to take us all the way to Gatwick. Not cheap. But we made it … though barely with enough time to really say goodbye. We were both teary and kissed probably a couple dozen times before I finally had to let go and go through security.

Inside the security area, there were these two Italian girls that didn’t want to comply with anything, and they held up the line for like 20 minutes (they seriously refused to hand over their purses or take off their belts … it wasn’t until the big guys with guns came over and took them aside that the rest of us were able to move). So after that, I had to run to my gate to make my flight.

The flights home were long and sad. I kept thinking of holding Mir, which would allow me to drift off into sleep for small period at a time, but to say I slept on the plane would be an overstatement. Then on the plane back to Seattle, there was a medical emergency near the end of the flight that was a little scary with a passenger, but it appeared to have worked out and we landed ok.

So that’s it, that’s my trip. I’m sure I left a few things out. It was a lot of fun and I need to go back at some point and catch a lot of what I missed. But the most important thing was seeing my love and making our engagement official.

Now I'm back home and working really hard to find a job because it looks like time has run out for me. I'm scared shitless at the moment. But there's not a whole lot I can do other than what I'm doing.

True love
It never really occurred to me to try and recognize the exact moment I realized I had found true love. I mean, I remember quite clearly the first time I ever laid eyes on Miranda ... how struck I was with her, how my heart literally stopped. It did. I could feel it. I noticed it. I knew right then and there the second I connected eyes with her that I was in love. I had fallen in love ... love at first sight -- a concept I thought laughable prior in life.

Oh yeah, I'd been in love before, but it was more of a pragmatically-steered swelling of emotions that took time to boil to the point where I could finally admit to myself that I had fallen in love with someone. It was trained love ... well-rehearsed using romantic ideals, movies, literature, etc. as my textbook. I had never been so stricken with someone in the first few seconds of meeting that I knew I had to pursue her. Yet, with Miranda, I had that experience.

That happened more than a year ago, and in just a few days, we'll be celebrating our one-year anniversary of dating. Even though we're thousands of miles apart with her being in school in London, our relationship has only gotten stronger. We're getting married. Yes, I said it, married. And I'm really excited about that.

Yet through all of this, there was one thing I didn't really think about all that often ... or when I did, I didn't spend too much time dwelling on it -- that's the concept of true love, and when I recognized that Miranda was without a doubt the one for me. You see, in many relationships, people tell their significant others that "they're the one for them." It was a phrase I have only used once ... and which sorely backfired for me because the feeling was not mutually shared (it just took four additional years of deceit and weakness for that realization to shine through). So needless to say, prior to that experience and after, i have been quite cautious about considering whether someone was the "one."

Except, with Miranda, I think I could feel it from the start. I'm not quite sure how to pinpoint it ... maybe I can't, but one thing is abundantly clear, and I'm going to bold this next statement because of it's importance to me:

For the first time ever in my life, I have found someone who loves me completely for who I am and genuinely wants to spend her life with me.

I can say that because I FEEL it. Miranda has made me feel loved like no one else ever could -- not friends, not past partners, certainly not parents or family. Miranda wants me in her life ... needs me ... cherishes me. I feel exactly the same about her and I know we are perhaps the most perfect pairing of two people ever in the history of this planet -- and I'm not afraid to shout that from any rooftop. THAT'S true love.

So why am I on about all this? Well, I just feel it really strongly right now. But it's also been on my mind because of an impulse that Miranda had a couple of days ago -- one that is sending me to London in a week and a half.

We were chatting on Skype about my life, difficulties in the work search and uncertainties about my road ahead. I was concerned that getting out to London in February to see her (like we had planned) was going to be troublesome. We both miss each other dearly and in what seemed like a heartbeat, Miranda was sorting through package deals to see what she could do to get me out sooner -- specifically the week between Christmas and New Years, where admittedly, there won't likely be much in the way of jobs or interviews or commitments to tend to.

So she found a deal and was ready to pounce on it. For a few minutes, I let the pragmatic side of me take over and I suggested she at least wait and discuss it with her parents and I wanted to discuss it with Raye, who I had New Year's plans with. In less than an hour later, when I was over at her parents house for Christmas tree trimming and baking, Miranda's parents and Raye were all supporting the idea pretty heavily and Miranda had sealed the deal. So I'm going to London from Dec. 27 through Jan. 4. I am extremely excited about this and am jittery with anticipation. I get to see my love AND be in London to ring in a new year!!!! How awesome is that.

So how does this impulse act justify my true love rambling? It's the act itself. She misses me and loves me and wants me so much, that she said "to hell with roadblocks in life and expense (it is not a cheap trip and she's paying for it) and, well, excuses. I want you here now." Someone loves me enough to do that. Miranda loves me enough to do that.

I'll shorten that even further to say simply, "Miranda loves me." Except, unlike with past experiences, this time, I know it. I feel it. And she never fails to make me love her more every day. Even when I think I can't possibly love her more than I do, I realize that my love grows every day. True love can still do that. Maybe THAT'S the definition of true love ... "love that just will not stop growing." -- like some damned ivy vine, lol (though I quite like ivy).

Yesterday was also Miranda's 28th birthday. She went out and had a blast with her new London friends. I even got to meet one on Skype later. Charlotte took care of Miranda, who was pretty well trashed by the end of the night (a sign of a REALLY good time!!). I'm so happy for her. I wish I could have been there to celebrate with her, but hey, I get to see her soon!

Anyway, that's my quite happy rambling ... oh, wait, except for the lyrics to a song I was listening to a bit earlier that inspired this post:

"Carry This Picture"

Dashboard Confessional

Carry this picture for luck
Kept in a locket
Tucked in your collar
Close to your chest
Make it a secret
Shown to the closest friends
And meet me at quarter to 7
The sun will still shine then
At this time of year
We'll head to the inlet
And we'll share a bottle there

And color the coast with your smile
Its the most genuine thing
That I've ever seen
I was so lost
But now i believe

And follow me south of the big docks
They tether the boats
The rich men revere
As so important
They hire our fathers to steer
And down to the edge of the water
Where we'll spill our guts
And we'll name our fears
I'll give you this picture
Keep it and don't be scared

And color the coast with your smile
It's the most genuine thing
That I've ever seen
I was so lost
But now i believe
And the coast
Your smile is the most genuine thing
that I've ever seen
I was so lost
But now I believe
And now I believe
Now I believe
Now I believe

When you know you're really loved ...
So this post is going to be optimistic and uplifting (GASP! Did he just write that???). Basically, I've had one of the better weekends/holidays/birthdays that I can remember in a long time. It has been a nice change of pace.

Let's go back to Thursday to start. Thursday was Thanksgiving and it started by resolving/figuring out a temporarily worrisome situation that occurred the previous night. To use "no-context theater" as Mir often writes, I will just say it was a situation where I was briefly concerned about my status. Came to figure out that I was worrying for nothing. All is good. All is better than good, actually.

So later in the day, I joined Raye at Miranda's parent's house for a day filled of drinking, great food and celebration. The four of us Skyped Miranda and we all talked to her for quite some time (while proceeding to get pleasantly hammered in the process). Then we engaged in a proper Thanksgiving feast -- a gigantic turkey, yummy stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry (which was actually very delicious the way Doug makes it), asparagus, broccollini, gravy, dinner rolls and wine. I did the usual stuffing of myself my having four dinner rolls and got to tell my stories of my weaknesses with dinner rolls, which everyone seemed to enjoy. Once we were all stuffed, we retired to the living room to digest and watch a really awesome movie with Don Ameche I had never seen called "Midnight." It was really cute. There was also dessert later in the form of pie and brownies.

Later, Raye and I left and we went back to my place and finished watching the first season of United States of Tara. That and more good conversation rounded out the night and we finally passed out, drunk on food and good drink.

Friday, after we woke, Raye and I watched a little trash TV and then we went to go have breakfast at the Hurricane. I took her home so she could enjoy a nap before work and I came back to the apartment and chilled for a bit. Talked to Mir on Skype and hung around the house being quite lazy. I had a couple of my beloved turkey-pickle sandwiches and Mr got to watch me have a food orgasm.

Yesterday was my birthday and Raye had set up a little get-together at Mulleady's for me. After talking to Mir for quite a bit of the day previously, Raye came over around 5pm and we prefunked with beer and shots of whiskey. Then we headed out and walked toward Magnolia, stopping at Red Mill for burgers to get decent food in us. We arrived at Mulleady's a tad late, but once there, it was simply awesome to see friends that came out. Astro and Cindy (Mir's mom) were already there and others arrived shortly thereafter, including Cathy, Doug, Sarah, Anna, Sam and David. They proceeded to get me quite drunk. I had a lot of fun and it made me a bit teary when I had a moment of clarity and looked around to see people celebrating my birthday. (A note of clarification: I was born on Thanksgiving day and it has been hard to get people together for any kind of celebrations in years past because everyone was either preoccupied with the holiday, out of town or simply didn't care. And I have a track record of bad things happening on my birthday as well -- a relationship ended, I had a house catastrophe, a friend died, etc. ... yeah, birthdays and I haven't gotten along). So it was really nice to actually truly enjoy a birthday for once. AND, as I asked for no gift, rather money to help me through my crisis of the moment, people were really kind and generous on that front. I got the sense that people really do care for me and love me.

It's amazing (and a little foreign to me) that I have found such a great group of friends. I mean, finding Miranda was gift enough and when we started dating nearly a year ago, it was like winning the lottery. But to have so many good people, who actually like and respect me and have gone out of their way to help me this year ... well, it's pretty awesome. And frankly, I'm not used to it. This, and a realization I had earlier, made me very happy in my decision to move up here.

So what's that realization ... well, it's not a "realization" so much as it was kind of an eye-opener. As people started wishing me happy birthday yesterday on FB or email or phone calls, I began to notice a trend: most of the people who took the time to offer a simple happy birthday or send a little love were from here ... from Seattle and surrounding areas. There were also a good number of people from other areas of the country who did likewise. The number of people from Vegas who remembered or wished me a happy birthday? VERY low ... sad. AND, among those people from Vegas who did, almost all of them were people I'd met only once, hardly ever hung out with or barely knew. In fact, only one person, Pam, would I consider a close friend or someone who I was around regularly when I lived there.

Yeah, I'm gonna do it, because no one really knows of or reads this blog anyway, but I'm gonna name names of people I was really disappointed not to get any kind of well-wishing from. My two best friends, Nathan and Geoff? Nothing. (Though I did send a message to Geoff and he responded that he forgot and felt bad about it). My parents? No. Fuck em. But there were others too. Jamie, Danielle, Chris, Anthony, Karen, Rudy and Carin, Clint, Heather, Krux, Kelly, Lauren, Mikki, Jen .... these are all people that I spent lots of my time with and considered my support group of friends and family ... and I didn't hear a damn thing from them. So, yeah, it was a bit eye-opening. But it makes me really not regret leaving and moving up here. I guess the saying is true, "once you leave Vegas, you become dead to everyone."

I just hope I wasn't that self-absorbed when I lived there. I probably was. Now, yes, I'm sure for the most part, all of these people just forgot or were too busy to pay attention. But it did slightly bother me.

But enough of that! Back to the goodness of the weekend:

So after Anna dropped me off at my place yesterday, I was VERY drunk and was able to Skype Miranda and we talked for a couple hours at least. She got to see me absolutely hammered (hope I didn't say anything inappropriate, hooo!). I actually continued drinking once home, having several more shots of whiskey. I finally passed out around 6 in the morning.

I woke up this afternoon feeling like I just played a game of football without pads against the meanest players alive. First, I had somehow fallen off the couch and tucked myself into a fetal position under my coffee table, which was funny to wake up to. But my back, neck, head ... pretty much everything hurt like hell. I had a raging headache and was nauseated like you wouldn't believe. After going to the bathroom and cleaning myself up a bit, I sat down to call Miranda on Skype, but before I did, I just sat there, feeling miserable and smiled a big shit-eating grin. I realized that I felt so bad because I had had THAT  much fun last night. I was happy.

I talked to Mir for a bit today and ventured back and forth between laying on the couch watching movies and hanging out here in my chair playing on the internet. Later, I talked to Mir again and she was crying saying how much she loved me and missed me ... she just kept saying it over and over. And while I was sad that she was emotional, I have to admit, it felt really, really nice knowing that someone loves me so much that it hurts sometimes. I know the feeling. I am very much in love with Miranda and it hurts sometimes being apart from her. But we'll get through this.

Then there will be the days where the two of us laze about the house together, cuddling on the couch to watch movies or trash TV, giggling together as we make dinner or clean, then going out together to meet up with our friends for drinks and enjoying their company ... walking the dog, feeding the cat ... pausing to look at each other and realizing that through all the bullshit in the world, through all teh pain, setbacks, frustration, worries ... that the two of us found each other and that we love each other in the truest sense of the word.

Everything else is just window dressing.


Log in

No account? Create an account